


I love you

by LucindaDespairQueen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Hopeful Ending, M/M, One Shot, Post-Canon, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:41:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27412132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucindaDespairQueen/pseuds/LucindaDespairQueen
Summary: "Hey, just a little moreCould you listen to me just a little more?"They were free, but at what cost? What was the true meaning of these words?
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 1





	I love you

**Author's Note:**

> "Aishiteiru" (I love you) by Callin' (Kourin) From the anime Natsume Yuujinchou 2nd season (Zoku Natsume Yuujinchou) ending.

_Hey, just a little more_

_Could you listen to me just a little more?_

"... I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean. You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're _destructive_ and you're _angry_ and you're _broken_. You're--- You're _"Daddy's Blunt Instrument."_ And you think that hate and anger that's--- that's what drives you. That's who you are. _It's not._ And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, _the good_ and _the bad_ you have done _for love_. You raised your little brother for love. You fought for this whole world for love. That is _who you are_. You're _the most caring man_ on Earth. You are _the most selfless, loving human being_ I will ever know. You know, ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. _I cared about you._ I cared about Sam. I cared about Jack. I cared about the whole world because of you..."

_Hey, just a little more_

_Can I be selfish to you just a little more?_

"You changed me, Dean."

He didn't understand what Cas was talking about. What did that have to do with his happiness? Why did he start saying those things now? "Why does this sound like a goodbye?"

_The moment when I just have it in my hands,_

_it feels that it will vanish away._

"Because it is."

_Would you give me just a few words?_

"I love you."

_I love you. I love you_

_until the end of the world._

_Just you try and laugh_

_and say I'm stupid._

"Don't do this, Cas."

He must have imagined it. But he felt that something was going to happen. He couldn't let him go.

"..."

Come on, answer me!

_"_ Cas?"

He knew it was true. He said _I love you_...

"... Goodbye, Dean."

_He... loved him._

_I love you_

_It's hard for me to say these words._

_I want to love you with all my heart_

_that is why I am praying to that sky._

Everything happened so fast that he couldn't assimilate it. The Empty took Cas and Billie. He... He was gone. He--- He didn't know--- the only thing he felt in that moment was a hole inside him. He cried. He lost Cas again. But why... why now? He... He said... He was so stupid. He never... never said anything back. Now Cas was.... he was... He couldn't stop crying.

_Hey, although I want to understand._

_There are still too many things I could not comprehend._

He couldn't understand... his own anguish. His chest ached, his tears fell slowly to the ground and he found it difficult to breathe. Why...? Why Cas, why? And over and over he wondered about the angel. "Why... did you start with that?" What was that? Castiel had said that the only thing he wanted, that which was his happiness, was something he knew he could never have. And that was Dean. Dean's love. "..." He lay on the ground, not knowing what to do. Sam called him on the phone, but he cut the call. He had lost Cas. And he would never return.

_That is why while these two bodies that would never become one._

_I would embrace them with all my might._

He didn't know who to blame, but after a while he realized it was his own fault. Cas had done this and much more for him. And he had never been able... to say those words. He was such an idiot. He hated himself. He hated himself too much. He hated himself to the point of doing anything... to.....  
"..." Cas had said, he thought as he stared blankly at no specific point, that he was made of love... That was him. But... Even so....... It was all over. There was nothing left, no hope. He didn't even know if his thoughts really belonged to him. He bit his lip and let the pain win. For a couple of minutes. He wanted to die. Damn, Chuck. He thought. The pain he felt was eating him up. The tears, the sobs, the anguish, it wasn't enough. He wanted more. He was nothing that Cas had told him. It wasn't true. He hated himself. He hated himself. "I hate myself." He said out loud. "I hate myself. I... I've never deserved you." and his crying ended in frustrated screams, although no one heard it. What would Cas think if he saw him like this? Lying on the bunker floor, he remembered his words again. Cas wanted him to continue living, to know that he was the best man he had ever known... an angel considered him the best human in the world. "..." He sighed. What was he doing? He swallowed. He had to continue. DAMN IT. He had to keep going, because all he had ever done in his damn life, it was ALL to keep fighting and win. Survive. All of this he had done for a reason. He had to get this over with right away and rescue Castiel. Cas. "..." After washing up and answering the phone, he left the bunker. He didn't see anyone on the road to Minnesota.

He wanted to see Cas. He wanted to hug him with all his might. He needed him... but... There was no one left. There was nothing. Inside him **there was no reason to continue.**

_With only your presence_

_the world would evolve._

_The monotonous scenery will even_

_burst to a fountain of colors._

As he drove, his mind played tricks on him: he thought he saw Cas here and there and that he would say " _Hello, Dean_." He stopped short. He breathed heavily. He had told him that he loved him. Cas loved him and that was his happiness. "SHIT." He hit the handle hard, shaking. His tears were falling again. What was it that hurt so much? No. Don't think about it now. Chuck will bring it back. "He will return." He convinced himself and got back on the road. Everyone had disappeared and only the three of them remained. And nothing happened. Days and days went by. All he could do was drink, drink and drink. And remember the moments they had spent together. He was stupid. A huge idiot, this was his fault. For his stubbornness and for his life and for everything. "It's my fault, everything T-THIS IS MY FAULT !!!!"

"Dean, calm down. It's not your fault. Calm down, please." Sam had to endure him screaming and anguish on the sixth day. His brother couldn't bear to see him like this. Jack looked at him sadly.

"Sammy, Sammy, where is Cas?" Sam Winchester didn't answer. Not even he knew very well what had happened to Castiel, however... he knew that his brother was not bad just because the entire population of the world had disappeared or because Chuck wanted to see them die; something had happened between him and Castiel. In his room, Dean took up his jacket from that day again. Cas had left the mark of his bloody hand on it. His chest heaved and he cried again. He held it against him, crying silently. "The first time we met, I stabbed you in the heart." He bit his lip. "Then you came to see me. You betrayed me. You rebelled against yours. You helped us. You came back. I lost you... I have lost you so many times. This time---" He wanted his chest to stop hurting. He no longer wanted to feel that pain. He just wanted to see Cas. His reason for moving on was the angel. Everything had changed when he had rescued him from hell. They had been through so much and he had never been able to say... to say these words... that no one will be able to hear... He rolled over and tried to sleep.

_Before we've realized it_

_our separate hands are held_

_together while we are walking_

_side by side._

He hoped to rest and have peace while he slept, but even of that he was deprived. He had no dreams, he lived in a nightmare from that day on. He thought of him every day and prayed, prayed for him to come back. He heard his voice in dreams and unconsciously cried. He wanted to feel his warmth, his voice... Until he told himself it was in vain. Castiel would never return. He would never listen to his answer. He would never know what he had done with his life. How much he had suffered. He could never achieve his happiness without Cas. It was him and no one else he needed and now he couldn't have him. He just wanted to see him one more time. All those conversations, those fights, those laughs, the suffering, the sadness, the pain... they must have something good. Their memories, their relationship... He didn't want to cry anymore, alone in his room, but it was impossible... he was so tired... his eyes hurt, his chest hurt, his heart was still crush against his body... "It is so hard to keep going without you, Cas."

_Would I be loving you correctly?_

_I am asking this to the skies above._

One of those days, Jack sensed a presence and they went to investigate. It was a dog, yet it vanished with just the appearance of Chuck. The nightmare continued and there was hope when Sam realized Jack's powers. They also found Michael and they made a plan. It was the only thing they had. He put all that was left of his strength, his intelligence and his hope in it. As they went to the place, he looked up at the sky, wondering if Cas knew what they were going to do, if he really was still alive... if this was done out of love, to save the world and not out of sheer selfishness.

"Dean, everything will be fine." Jack told him. He didn't answer, but somehow that made him feel better. They set the stage. Michael was confident that his sacrifice would be worth it, because he had already lost everything.

"Maintain self-confidence, Dean Winchester." The archangel told him. "Adam forgave you and I'm sorry for what I've done to your family too. Fight for what you still have. Goodbye." Michael unleashed immense power that Jack absorbed. He and Sam had to face Chuck. God. All that beating he gave them, it was nothing compared to the suffering that he had inside. It didn't matter if he hit his head, his eyes burned, his jaw and nose bleed, if he broke the bones in his arms and legs. He had a bad childhood, much of his life he hunted monsters, he didn't finish studying, he didn't have great romances, he lost friends, companions and family. He had died and revived. And now, in that moment... he wasn't going to give up. That physical pain would disappear. The only thing he could fear was himself, the "me" from years ago who first shot and then asked. He had changed. He was more himself than a murderer. He was stupid, childish, selfish, dreamer, but that didn't matter to **him**. Cas saw the best in the world _in him_. Love and happiness. And he believed _in his words_.

_Even the day comes when our_

_paths would divide._

_If I have memories of you,_

_I will be alright._

"This... This... This is why you're my favorites. You know, for the first time I have no idea what happens next. Is this where you kill me? I mean I could never think of an ending where I lose. But this, after everything that I've done to you... to die at the hands of Sam Winchester... of Dean Winchester, the ultimate killer... It's kind of glorious."

"Sorry, Chuck." He said.

"What? What?"

"See, that's not who I am. That's not who we are." He was made of love. His life was about love, trust, happiness, confidence. Good things. Freedom. "It's the ending where you grow old, you get sick and you just die."

"And no one cares. And no one remembers you. You're just forgotten." And they left him there, alone. They returned to Minnesota to restore the world and Jack did. But the boy had something else to say.

"Dean, I'm not coming back home. In a way... I'm already there."

"Where?"

"Everywhere."

"So you are Him?" Sam asked.

"I'm me. But I know what you mean."

"What if we want to see you? You know, or have a beer or whatever?"

"I'm around. I'll be in every drop of falling rain, every speck of dust that the wind blows, and in the sand, in the rocks, and the sea." Jack's words hit it hard. His presence was different. He wasn't a lost child. He knew everything.

"It's a hell of a time to bail. You got a lot of people counting on you, people with questions. They're gonna need answers."

"And those answers will be in each of them. Maybe not today but... someday." He looked at him. "People don't need to pray to me or to sacrifice to me. They just need to know that I'm already a part of them and to trust in that. I won't be hands on. Chuck put himself in the story. That was his mistake. But I learned from you and my mother and Castiel that... when people have to be their best... they can be. And that's what to believe in. Well... I'm really as close as this." He raised his hand like he always did whenever he greeted someone. "Goodbye."

"See ya... Jack." Dean could see the sadness in his brother's eyes. They both watched as Jack turned around and disappeared on the road, while people went from one place to another, not knowing anything about the world.

_Because one day will come when I_

_understand the meaning of our parting._

They met the dog again (his name was Miracle) and they adopted him, taking him to the bunker. He left him in his room and he went to have a beer. Soon, Sam accompanied him.

"It's pretty quiet." Sam said.

"Finally free." He replied, but he didn't feel that way. "This has been a nightmare."

"Our life? Yeah, maybe." Sam took a sip of his beer. "But we met a lot of people and monsters. We fought against God."

"I killed Hitler." He said.

"Yes, you did it." Sam smiled a little. "Dean, I have to tell you---"

"I know." Dean interrupted him. "Sam, you are free. You don't need to stay with me. Go for your girl." His brother hugged him.

"Dean, I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing?" His brother looked at him.

"Keep the faith." He hugged him back. Maybe he wouldn't see him again. Just like Cas.

"Say hello to Eileen for me."

"Thank you, Dean." Sam stood up and he went to the stairs. "See ya, brother."

"See you, Sam."

_Thus I make this promise_

_to tomorrow._

He heard the door close and he was alone. He put the bottle on the table. He breathed heavily. He had started crying. However, everything was fine. They were free. Sam was going to be happy. He had achieved his last goal. There was nothing left, the only thing he could do was keep hunting and help others. Alone. He covered his face with his right hand. He was trembling. Thus ended his life. Freedom, what was the meaning of that? It bothered him to think about these things, he thought he was over it... It was clearly a lie. He knew that Cas had died, he had sacrificed himself for him and... Cas had loved him. He swallowed and closed his eyes, "Cas. I-I don't know if you can hear me, wherever you are, but I need to tell you. I never believed in angels, but when you rescued me, I felt that something had changed. You did a lot for us, for me. You are part of our family, but I... wanted to be by your side. I never felt that I deserved you, I... I don't know who I am sometimes, but you made me see what I couldn't see... I felt like a coward, but I think I finally get it ... I ... " He swallowed hard, let his tears flow, and relaxed his body. "I love you."

_I love you. I love you_

_until the end of the world._

_Just you try and laugh_

_and say I'm stupid._

A noise was heard in the hall. "I don't care about anything, if you're not with me... damn it..." He wiped his nose. "Cas..." He collapsed on his knees under the table. "I love you." He didn't care if it was Sam or Miracle who was listening, they wouldn't tell anyone. The footsteps approached carefully. "I love you too, Cas. I love you so fucking much. I will always love you."

"... _Dean_."

_I love you_

_It's hard for me to say these words._

_I want to love you with all my heart_

_that is why I am praying to that sky._

His heart pounded in seconds and his chest burned. He looked up and he could see him right there. "Cas?" He said breathlessly.

"Hello, Dean. Yes, it's me." His voice was soft and then he looked away from him. "Jack told me he was the new God and---" Dean hugged him with all his might.

"Cas, CAS." He could feel the warmth of his body and also the pain that he had been going through all this time. "You're stupid."

"Dean..." They were both crying. There were no words to express their encounter. They were finally together.

"Cas, I---"

"You don't have to say it. I know. That's what brought me back." Dean smiled at him and hugged him tightly. Neither of them heard that the upstairs door had been opened and that Sam was there. He stepped forward and hugged both of them head on.

"Awww I always knew you two were real." Dean's face turned red.

_That is why I am praying to that sky._

And so they went to see Eileen. They kept hunting, less and less. Sam studied law and married Eileen and Dean and Cas also had a wedding. Their wishes came true and they lived happily. Because _**that's what they deserved**._ Because that's what it was all about. Love.

**Author's Note:**

> For a few years (about seven I would say) that I have associated this song with Supernatural. I took it as a reference in my own story, but it also served me as "canon" from 15x18. I had to do a songfic with it. I love it, it is beautiful and sad at the same time, it expresses a lot what I feel and what Cas could have felt with Dean and vice versa. From November 19th to today, I have cried for several moments while writing this. I will never forget how much it helped me. I am alive thanks to them and I cannot accept that their happiness (and their lives) were taken away like nothing.  
> Nothing and no one can stop me from thinking that this was the true ending. For me, this is the end of their story. After all, I have my own version of the story.
> 
> "I have my version, and you have yours."


End file.
